Life with D.Rose

Sometimes I wonder why? Why me? Why not me? Why right now? Why not yesterday? In today’s society it’s so easy to get caught up in the whys? And what ifs? Always looking to what some else has or what another does not have to do compared to myself. Is the grass really greener on the other side? I know the saying that it only looks that way, but let me tell you looks are truly deceiving. I’m not saying that I am jealous of other but sometimes I just sit and wonder why. It hard to truly be comfortable at the point I at in my life. I think I’m happy but at times I get sad and down. I know that I am blessed beyond measure and I a truly grateful for all God has given me thus far. It’s just so hard to tale this walk with God and never question. It makes me question myself. Am I missing something? What am I doing wrong? Then I think well maybe I’m not doing anything wrong? Maybe this is what God has planned for me? I have no idea. I know that it will not always come to me in a beautifully painted picture. Sometimes all I have is a blank canvas with maybe one color. I thought being a teenager was hard. Life as a young 20 something is difficult. Add a younger 20 something Christian woman living in this world! Jesus take the wheel! I just pray for continued strength and wisdom and discretion and I pray that I have made the right decisions thus far and if not the God shows me the way to correct them.

So I’m starting to think maybe I have a character flaw and no one wants to tell me about it. This is my perception of myself:

I think I’m a kind-hearted person. I try to treat all people the way I want to be treated. I know that sounds cliché but it’s really true. Now I’m not going to say I never have my moments where I am upset or frustrated or irritated and I make take it out on the wrong person. I have made many mistakes and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I’m far from perfect and I never claim I am (the times that I do I’m really joking). I pride myself on being honest. I try my hardest not to lie or evade the truth about things. Life is too short and I have been trying to live it to the fullest while making sure I pick up on all the little lessons. I’m a very sensitive person, but I am not very open with my feelings.  When something is worrying me it really lays heavy on my heart. I can put on an outward appearance of being fine but inside I’m really a mess. I feel like I’m very misunderstood by everyone. Even those that claim to know me best. This is partially my fault because I again have built these walls. However, I feel that the walls are in place for good reason. I feel like every person I ever tried to let in has let me down, disappointed me. Every time I give a little I feel like I’m just smacked in the face. I feel that people will use your emotions and feelings to take advantage of you and try to use them against you in your weakest moments. Sometimes I wish I knew how to express my feeling more but I don’t. What I know is how to keep everything inside and try to work through it with myself. I have been told on many occasions that this is not healthy, I have no other alternatives. Part of the reason I started this blog was to help me work through all the thoughts that stay running through my mind on a daily basis. I have been bad about updating and I really need to work on that. It really helps when I can just write these thoughts out and get them out of my head if only for a moment. Two of my major fears are being judged, and disappointed those that care for me.

One of my greatest strengths is being optimistic, always trying to make the best out of any situation. This is also one of my biggest weaknesses in my eyes. I guess I can’t help I was born with this spirit, but I feel like it is such a burden sometimes. I try to be positive and others are so negative I try to be happy and people want to see me down. I tell myself that sometime I live in fantasy land. I dream of things as always being perfect, and for some reason I am always disappointed when they turn out otherwise. I know there is no such thing as perfect, but I see things a being the most perfect they can be in an imperfect world (if that makes any sense).

When it comes to people that I care about I give my all. I will go out of my way to help with almost anything.  I do this because I care and I would feel terrible if I did not help those I cared about. However, I am finding more and more that people are so ungrateful. I don’t ask for much. I hate to feel like I’m being needy. SO when I do ask for help or something from those that I care about and presume care about me it’s something major. But they thing is I’m increasing starting to feel that I have no one to rely on.  Supposed friends are acting funny. I have lost a couple of people who were supposed to be my “best friend” over the years. And to this day I honestly have no idea what went wrong. Did I do something wrong? Did I offend you? Am I a horrible friend? I know why is a terrible question to ask but its eating me up on the inside. I really want to know if I’m really a horrible person and others feel the same.

 I thought getting this off my chest would help me feel better, but I still am down…of to make dinner and then to bed.

I’ve never been one to go to the movies, or go to dinner alone. Usually if someone cancels on me I try to find a replacement, or just don’t go at all. I guess its fear or being seen as lonely. However I think its time for a change. I think I will go and see a movie I’ve been wanting to see for a while no by myself. Its Friday night and I really don;t feel like sitting at home alone with nothing to do. I will let you know how it goes…

I think I kind of like him. Sucks that we start kicking it the week before I move, story of my life.

These past two weeks has been a series of ups and downs. Sometime I wish that I was a loner and did not need any friends. It seems that all they do is bring drama and foolishness into my life. I know that I cannot always have things my way, but I feel like some ppl are so unreasonable. I just keep telling myself that God has a bigger plan and if said ppl are not meant to be then he will remove them from my life whether I like it or not. I am tired of caring about others when they are so dam selfish. I don’t ask for a lot but when I do ask you for something you should know that I really need and/or want your help. It sucks that I can depend on complete strangers more than I can depend on those that are supposed to be my so called best friends. Lesson Learned. The only best friend I have is God and my mom. Everyone else are just people that I deal with at the moment.

UGH i hate feeling like this. I wish i could be on of those ppl that did not have emotions, that way I could careless about this foolishness. I have so much  to do this upcoming week and I would rather not spending it worrying about these ppl.

Had A Great weekend, but ppl have been really testing my patience and I must admit that I stopped caring and told ppl about themselves.was it the appropriate time? probably not. do I care? not really.I’m at a point in my life where I am just tired of people and unnecessary drama. I realized that people are so selfish and full of themselves. Its funny when said ppl get a taste of their own medicine they fold under the pressure. My golden rule is: treat ppl they way you want to be treat. I follow that everyday of my life. however if I treat you with nothing but kindness and you take it for granted please believe I will readjust. I am sick of always having to be the nice one and the bigger person, I’m over it. My theme for the past few weeks have been eff it I’m on one and don’t give a tart how u feel about it.

I’m done ranting, going to get back to work and stop letting ppl stress me.

I’m sitting at the doctor office and this little boy refuses to listen to his mother. She told him six times to put his stuff in his bag. He just keeps doing what he wants. Let that had been me a age six. My mom would have snatched me up so quick. People wonder what’s wrong with this new generation. The problem is their parents let them do whatever the hell they want 90 percent of the time. Then they turn around and wonder why their child doesn’t respect them. SMH. I really wish people would take classes ask a question something because parenting in this day in age is slowly fading away. I vividly remember my mom saying I’m not your damn friend I’m your mom and that’s all I need to hear. What is the world coming to?